MJ's Thoughts

Slap on the wrist!!!!

2009-06-25T11:32:00.013Z

OK I know I have neglected my blog and I love blogging, and I love even more that I can go back and read what I have done with my days when I forget, which is actually quite often!!!

Have been very busy

Went for a week at my parents around Easter time, usually a mixed visit, I love seeing my parents, but they are usually at each other's throats or ignoring each other, so the atmosphere is not the best, but as I said I love seeing them, mum and I got to spend some quality time together with was nice and I met her newest guide dog, a golden lab called Victor, very cute but boisterous and of course William who must be the worlds most laid back dog

I cannot believe it has been so long since I updated.

Well mum's dog Victor is due to go shortly end of this month, as William her first dog didn't make it and she kept him, this will be the first dog that she has to say goodbye to. It is going to be very difficult for her, I am not sure whether I would have the strength to do this, but she already has another puppy, this one is called Amble. I love the names they give the dogs.

I had the amazing opportunity to photograph leopards at a private home. This was one fabulous day. Although this is a photo of Billy the Ocelot.

Connor went to stay with his grandparents for three weeks during the summer holiday, this was unbearable for me, I have never been separated from him for this long. He flew to Newcastle on his own, which was an adventure and then flew back. They went up to Scotland for two weeks with the dogs, near the beach and had a fabulous time.

Before he went I was taking him to get his hair trimmed when he decided to have it all cut off, I was horrified, I love his hair long and have never imposed on him how to have it cut. I did suggest that he talked to Tye thinking Tye might persuade him not to do it, but he wanted to surprise him. It looks gorgeous bless him so grown up, but then he suited it long. It really annoyed me as people presumed he had had it cut as he was going to the big school in September!!! or that it looked much better short!!! 'No fashion sense'....

For Tye's birthday he wanted a Saxophone, I managed to get one, but have had awful trouble with it, but that is another story, he managed to get a sound out of it and looks quite good with it lol.

Whilst Connor was away Tye and I decided to go away on our own, we hadn't had a holiday on our own for about 12 years, so we were really looking forward to it.

We decided to go to Italy as we both love the place and we are both into architecture and art. I was looking forward to a relaxing holiday, but what we did was totally different but amazing. Relaxation was not a word used!!!!! We hired a car and drove the length of Italy seeing some amazing places, we started off in Venice, I had been there as a child but it was totally different, we even had a ride on a Gondola, and he sang to us, very romantic...

Then we went to Verona, we saw the amphitheatre and Juliet's balcony.

From there we travelled to Pisa, but were unable to go up the Tower that day so we bought tickets for the tower for the Sunday and headed off to Rome. The roads were very good, we only got stuck in traffic once which was for about 10 Min's. We had a little red car which Tye named, but we had to change it as there was no way I could scrapbook what he had called it so it became 'Ze Little Fred Ucker' lol and this has to be said in a specific voice, which cracked me up every time.Rome was amazing, we walked around in total awe at the history that was all around you. We arrived in the middle of rush hour traffic and even Tye admitted that London had nothing on this. We were a bit disappointed with our hotels here, we had been booking them online as we went and this worked out really well, but the two we stayed in were very small, Tye had to turn sideways to get his shoulders into the shower lol, but they were clean and in the centre of Rome.

From Rome we travelled back to Pisa and walked up the tower, this was another place I had visited as a child and you used to be able to walk around every level, but this has now been blocked off and you walk up the middle to the first bell tower and then you can even climb the narrow steps to the very top. The view was amazing and the breeze fabulous, the weather had been in the 30's the whole time we had been there, which meant a fabulous tan for the face and arms lol as there was no where to sunbathe.

From Pisa we were going to go to Florence, but decided to meet up with John, Sue, Nat and Shaun in Lake Como, after all the walking we thought that a day sunning ourselves by a pool would be a welcome addition. No such luck, it was lovely to see everyone, but the weather turned cold over Lake Como and rained the whole day we were there. We did go out for a fabulous meal though even though the waitress was scary. We had been living on Pizza and bottled water for the last week as the Italians eat courses separately and we had had a couple of errors in food!!

From Lake Como we travelled via Lake Guada back to the airport. It was an amazing holiday and fantastic to be able to spend some time with my best friend just the two of us.

Connor came back from his holiday and Tye still had a few days so we had a family day out to Thorpe Park!! Now I can't really go on rides, which isn't a bad thing as they scare the life out of me, but the Boys went on every big ride there was, they even queued to go on one that was closed due to a fault and then reopened!!!!! We had a great day out and ended up with a water ride and all got soaked, every time I forget to bring a change of clothes....

I have been busy on the photography front, two weddings in two months, I can't say they were fun from my point of view lol nerve racking would be a word I would use and I much prefer portrait photography lol

I have joined a new team on UKS and am loving it, the girls are great and our TL is very sweet and I have actually been scrapping so much more.
The shop is still going really well, had a bit of a quiet patch over the summer but I think everyone did. The crops are still well attended and the classes will be starting up again soon.

Tye took Connor to a West Ham football game, he loved it, they both did.

The kittens are growing up really fast but still incredibly sweet. For a white cat Odyssey is not very lady like, she is always coming back filthy, not sure where she had been but she came back covered in oil.

Connor had a couple of trips to A&E, one for a sprained wrist, trying to do acrobatics on his bike down a large ditch!! and the other a burn from making tea, but two trips in 11 years is pretty good. September arrived and Connor is off to Secondary School. I didn't cry honest!!! He just looks so grown up, they have to wear blazers and ties and with the short hair he looks gorgeous. He has started to spend more time with his friends now, always out and about, I knew this was coming but hoped I would have a little more time.

Who Pinched the 'HOUR' !!!!!!!!!

2009-03-30T09:11:00.003Z

Ok who pinched an hour on Sunday and why wasn't I told about this !!!!!!!!!! Usually I hear something about this on the TV or Radio (more likely internet), but this time I found on on Sunday and was so totally unprepared for the fact that I had lost an hour!!!

This week has gone in an absolute blur, so much to do.

Thursday was our first class of this year, yes I know it is nearly April and I should of got my 'butt into gear' sooner than this, but better late than never. I now have a lovely lady Lynne designing my classes for me she is extremely talented and I think everyone will love doing the classes.

So on Thursday evening we had the first one, the LO was a double one with lots of intricate squares, hand cutting and stitching, I don't think anyone finished theirs lol but I think everyone will be pleased with the effect once they have.

The next class is even more gorgeous and this will be held on 30th April.

Then of course the run up to the All Day Crop begins lol, setting out the hall, marking up the stock, cooking the food, printing out the forms etc.

In between that was 'weigh in' !!! Yes I am still on a food less diet, and it is actually getting better, I am not missing food, unless you call an unbalanced craving for curry missing food lol.

I have now lost over 19lbs and am very happy with that, only another stone to go and I will be extremely happy.

My clothes are feeling looser and I am well on my way to fitting into most of my wardrobe again. Other than helping my self esteem, which has taken a tumble since gaining the weight, I just haven't cared what I wear, the baggier the better really, I am now taking a pride in myself and my appearance and feeling good about myself for the first time in two years. I am so determined to keep this going.

I even resisted on Saturday and batch cooked chili and curry without even tasting them, resisting all the danishes and carrot cake was hard, but I have my goal and my hand whisk. lol

Saturday was lovely, I am so lucky to have met so many wonderful people through scrapbooking and once the setting up is all over I love to have a chat with everyone.

I am now in a tis about finishing a Teacher book that I promised to do, but forgot that school breaks up on Wednesday!!!! somehow I had Friday in my mind, oh well that will be this afternoon's job.

Then I am having a well deserved break and visiting my parents and of course my bestest friend Helen who means so much to me, we are travelling by train, not sure about the journey, but there are no stops and we have seats and a plug socket!! so hopefully that will keep Connor amused.

12 YEARS OLD

2009-03-10T16:09:00.004Z

That is how old my eldest son Declan should of been today, and the only present I can buy him is as usual a display of flowers. Feeling very bitter at the moment, parents should not outlive their children.

Sorry to anyone who has clicked on here, it is just me venting my feelings at the moment, not after any sympathy so please don't think that. Writing stuff down helps me.

Today has been a strange day, Tye has been off work and Connor was off school sick, I went into work, not sure where the best place to be was, but I couldn't sit and stare at the walls, too many memories coming back to haunt me. Don't get me wrong I have some wonderful memories of Declan, he was such a strong character, and make us laugh, but not today, today should of been a day of celebration, presents, birthday cake with candles, having the dreaded friends round or dragging them all off to the cinema, anything but sitting here empty thinking of what should of been and what was cruelly taken away.

Memory is such a funny thing, sometimes I forget things and I often put strange things in the fridge, like a hairbrush or book, I just forget where I am going. 10th March is burned into my memory forever, I can remember every little detail.

It is so strange, just watching the world go by today, I don't actually feel a part of it, nor do I want to be a part of it at the moment. Anniversaries are a good time to let go, usually I hold my self so tight, all the grief is like a little box inside that you keep the lid on and when the lid slips it hurts like hell.

I lost my beloved Casey last November, he was my last link to Declan, he saved my life, literally, I had nothing to live for after losing Declan, or it felt that way, and Casey saved me, was always there.

There aren't many words this year just lots of unbearable pain, things going through my head, life's not fair, it shouldn't be this way etc, but life is like that for lots of people, you don't know what is happening in any one's life.

Today, I bumped into a mother and daughter who I see quite often and say hello to, both are lovely very friendly and sweet, but that is all I know about them, today I found out that the mother had lost one of her daughter's and her son, and of course the daughter a sister and brother you just don't know who else is suffering, what happens behind closed doors in other peoples lives.

One of my pet hates is 'I know how you feel', I would never dream of saying that to anyone, even someone that had been in a similar situation to me, everyone feels differently, everyone reacts differently and no one can know how someone else is feeling.

Happy 12th Birthday sweetheart xx

DIET

2009-03-09T09:56:00.004Z

I know I am not exactly obese, but I am overweight for myself, and I feel uncomfortable in my clothes and unhappy in myself. I have tried to do something about this for a while now, but for some reason I have not had the willpower, which surprises me. Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I do it. I give up chocolate every other year for the WHOLE year and that takes most of my will power. I have been doing this for 10 years and have only failed once which was when we went to America.

So where has the will power gone? I am carrying more weight than I have ever carried and I am not sure whether this is it, but I usually start well on a Monday but by Tuesday afternoon I cheat and have a cake or a chocolate bar and of course once you've had one, what a few more!!! This is the usual analagy I use when opening a packet of biscuits, I eat two or three then worry that the rest of the packet will get lonely and scoff the lot!!!

I LOVE FOOD!!! that is my downfall, my mother bless her always cooked big meals, not that my parents were overweight, nor were my brother and I as kids and of course I am from the generation where you were told you 'couldn't leave the table till you had finished everything on your plate'. Well my plates are huge and I am still finishing everything on my plate!!!!!

I recently watched the Paul Mckenna programme and it was interesting, he was saying that you should chew your food at least 20 times before you swallow it and put your knife and fork down in between bites. All well and good but I can only see this slowing me down because I would have jaw ache long before the plate was empty!!!!!

I love cupcakes, chocolate, Indian curries and Italian, really I don't care I just love my food.

I decided that I needed a regimented diet, something that was made up for me and all I had to do was take it. All this weighing out of the food would be no good, as I know I would cheat on the measurements or a points system would mean that I would eat only the things I liked!!!

So two lovely ladies at one of my all day crops recommended the 'Cambridge' diet!! They have lost a lot of weight on it, so with a deep breathe I looked into this.

Firstly I found a representative in my area, she is a lovely lady and very supportive, she doesn't know what she has taken on with me though, mind you after about 12 cryptic emails I think she might now!!! LOL

Then I had to get my Doctor to sign a form saying that I was medically fit to do the diet, well this one proved a bit more difficult, I am in the process of changing my meds at the moment (that's another story, me being general guinea pig) and take about 16 pills a day. The Doctor was not happy, but I did pull the depression card slightly and she signed the from!!

Well its true!! it is depressing me that I had to buyer a bigger size. I had to sit in the changing room and cry for 5 Min's before taking a deep breath and taking the larger sized trousers to the Till. I felt very sorry for the poor woman behind it as I literally flung the trousers down and didn't say a word, she must of thought I was the most miserable person going.

OK so I found a representative and had the Doctors form signed. I then had to buy my food (when I say food I mean this in the loosest form of the word), the diet starts off with whats called 'sole source'. Which is basically NO FOOD!!! Once she'd picked me up off the floor, she explained that it was liquid packets, either porridge (which makes me gag, so that one was out) shakes and soups. OK I thought shakes and soups, not too bad.

She weighed me and usually I don't weigh myself, I know I've put weight on when it takes me 20 Min's of lying on the bed like a teenager to get the zip up on my jeans, I don't need the numerical proof in front of my eyes. Then even worse I had to pose for the 'before' photo!!

So off home, I went with lots of leaflets, my weigh in card and a box of my 'meals' for the next week. She did mention that you NEED a hand mixer!!! OK I didn't have one but it only took me two days to realize that she wasn't kidding and drive into town to buy one!! OMG the fist milkshake was disgusting, I was trying to whisk it up with a fork and it was full of lumps. The lunchtime soup made me gag, my own fault because I didn't read the instructions about mixing it into a paste first, then pouring in more hot water and it was full of powder granules. I forgot to mention that you also have to drink 2.25 litres of water a day!! I will not be venturing far away from a bathroom anytime soon.

So with a hand whisk the milkshakes and soups taste moderately better, the milkshake still has that protein taste, and soups don't really have a taste, but they are all in little packets, measured out for you, so this is what I had been looking for.

It got easier as the week went on, but then Tye was away so I was only cooking for Connor, the smell of the food in the fridge, made me want to eat everything in it for the first few days, but my will power kicked in (wondered where the hell that had got too). The water proved difficult at first and not having my cup of tea, I did try it black but OMG YUK!!

I went back on the Thursday for my weigh in, holding my breathe, and of course wearing light clothing (not jeans). I gingerly stepped onto her scales - I had lost 4kg (OK I know most people work in stones and pounds, but I always have that thing in the back of my mind that you should be 9 st!!! I don't know where it came from but apparently to my mind it is the perfect weight and as I am just under 5'8" I am never going to achieve that without looking like an emaciated skeleton) so I work in Kilo's then I never know if I am too far away from the 9 st, OK I can't kid myself that at the moment I am miles away, but Kilo's it is. Anyway getting back to the 4kg, that means I have lost 8.8lbs as it is apparently 2.2kg to the lb. YAY

So now the shakes are 'the best thing since sliced bread' (yeah right!!!), but hey ho I am losing the weight and sticking to it.

This weekend was tough, Tye was back and bless him he cooked for himself and Connor, although this did consist of 'phoning for dinner Saturday night, 'Chinese'!!! The smell drove me made but they did go and eat it away from me and cleared up all the remains from the kitchen.

I have sadly marked up all my bottles of water with dates so that I know I have to drink the whole bottle and I do carry it around with me!!! (no analysis on this one please, I know I am mad).
My clothes feel slightly looser and apparently I have lost 1.5" from my waist, so I am going to stick with it. I wont lie and say it is easy, it's not, I am not keen on the taste of either the milk shakes (which do come in a number of different flavours to dilute the protein taste) or the soups which only have a hint of a flavour, but what in this world comes easy and I have only myself to blame for overeating and overindulging in chocolate and cakes....

OMG Where has the Year got too ....

2009-03-04T09:51:00.007Z

I cannot believe it is March already and I was so going to be good this year and blog everyday, which is probably better for anyone who reads this that I haven't been as it would be extremely boring!!!!

This year has been extremely long so far, Tye started his new job, and seems to be away more than he is here. He is really enjoying it though so I am happy for him, he seems to be jet setting all over, from Germany to Cyprus and possibly Afghan soon.

The kittens are growing up and no longer have chubby little round faces, they are getting pointy now, but are still very cute and very mischievous. Shadow has used up another of his lives, he decided to hang himself from Connor's PE bag on the stairs and was only lucky that I had forgotten something and came downstairs to see him choking. He is fine now, he lost his voice for a couple of days due to bruises larynx but has made a perfect recovery and is now very loud.

They have now developed their own little characters, Shadow is very load and purrs if you just look at him, but is quite shy outside and comes running in at the slightest noise.

Odyssey is very outgoing she wants to see everything that is happening and be into everything, she purrs too but only when she comes to you for attention.

Bagheera is beginning to accept them, although he still bats them across the room if they get too close.

Callaway is still sulking, but she will actually eat at the same place as them, so I am hopeful that maybe in a 'year' or two she may take to them.

After three years of beating my head against a brick wall, I think I am finally getting somewhere with Connor's school, mind you it is just in time for him to move up to Secondary School!!!

The business is still doing well, and I am enjoying my weekly crops and of course the monthly marathons.

2009

2009-01-04T10:09:00.007Z

Christmas

Calloway decided that she wanted to open her presents early and was particularly interested in a gorgeous red bell on one of the presents.

Connor's piano lessons have been paying off and he played 'Jingle Bells' to us on Christmas morning.

Father Christmas leaves Connor some presents in his 'Santa Sack' every year and he even leaves it at the bottom of his bed and this year was no exception.

New Year, this is probably the time to reflect on last year, I'm not sure whether I achieved what I set out to but I do feel I achieved something.

I set up my online shop in February and am really pleased with this, and would like to thank all my friends and customers for supporting me in this. My crops are still going strong and it gives me a lovely warm feeling when I get more people coming on the recommendation of others.

We took a family holiday to Disneyworld, something which we have been planning to do for a while and it was definitely an experience of a lifetime and I would recommend it to anyone.

Tye got promoted to Sgt, which was long overdue and so deserved.

My mother and Tye's dad turned 60.

Connor turned 10 into his double figures.

Almost forgot I turned 40!!!!!!!

Tye trained and completed the DW the worlds longest canoe race, completed in one go over a two day period.

Tye got posted to Deep Cut but we kept the quarter here so that Connor could continue with his eduction

We lost our beloved dog Casey who has been with us through so many things and kept me sane, he will always be missed and never forgotten.

Christmas was a more sombre one this year with Casey missing, no family traditional walk or photo as it didn't seem the same with him missing.

We introduced two new members to the family, two tiny 8 week old kittens a white one with odd eyes called Odessey and a black one called Shadow, have caused slight uproar between our existing two Cadbury and Bagheera, but things are calming down.

Of course photos are necessary at this point.

2009

I am not sure what this year will bring, Connor goes up to the big School in September which will be more scary for me than him. He is also off to Sealyham for a week with no contact and off to Scotland for two weeks, I cannot believe how grown up he is becoming.

2009 started with the traditional cooked breakfast and a small kitchen fire!!! I usually tend to set off the fire alarm when I cook, it is a standard joke in our family, cooking is not one of my strong points, but then I do not take much interest in it.

The tin foil that I use under the hobs, apparently caught fire!!! so I am stood watching the flames, with the smoke alarm going off, I did remember to turn off the cooker, still flames, ok electrical, so no water, and of course no cloths around when you want them, so yelled Tye, he does come in handy sometimes, and of course sorted out the flames. No damage was done the cooker dials were a bit black but not melted, good start to the year though lol.

We didn't have a dinner, as we stayed in bed most of the day watching films and generally being lazy.

We did make a few family visits although we do love our own company a lot of the time, we visited Tye's mother in Sturminster, which meant that we could visit Declan, we have been meaning to sort out the grave for a while, the weather hasn't done the stone any favours and we needed to flatten the ground, so Tye and I went up with a shovel and lime scale remover, it is very sad that this is the only thing we can do for our son, but it felt better being able to do something rather than nothing, we wished him Merry Christmas and told him how much we loved him and how he is always with us.

Tye's brother Shaun and his girlfriend Natalie came over and we had a lovely Christmassy dinner, which I think is one of the best things about Christmas/Yuletide, I love roast turkey with all the trimmings and of course being a Northern girl, we have to have gammon and roast lamb to go with it. We played on the Wii Fit or they did and I watched, it is one of the best sources of entertainment I have come across.

December

2008-12-12T12:22:00.002Z

OMG its December already, yes I know its the 12th of December and no I haven't just realized that it is December, just either wish it was still November or that Christmas was over !!!!

No I don't actually wish Christmas over I love Christmas, the spirit of Christmas that is, but I haven't actually seen that much of it this year, people are all very stressed and rude.

Our Christmas isn't going to be the happiest of affairs, we are still suffering from the loss of Casey and one of our Christmas traditions was to walk him and take a family photo before we open our presents, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Connor is 10 now well 10 1/2 on Boxing Day and he still kinda believes which is lovely so we will have a lovely family Christmas. I love closing the door on the world, spending time together, watching the corny films on TV, having a fabulous Christmas dinner and then collapsing on the sofa to play silly games and feel stuffed.

The last week has been really hectic, Tye has started his new job and is getting on really well, and seems to be enjoying it. We had a Squadron function and I met some of the wives and girlfriends, they seem to be ok, but I am very dubious on one of them, manner don't cost anything but they seem to have bypassed her.

The Christmas function was very disappointing, it wasn't the auspicious occasion I was expecting, the entertainment was non-existant, people talked through the comedian and the food, although not the fault of the waitresses as they had to walk about half a mile to the tables was cold. The function itself was held in a marquee which was freezing. I do not really like these types of affairs, as I can no longer dance, and the music is too loud to talk it is usually quite a boring affair for me. I also hate the effects of alcohol on Tye and everyone else. I know I sound a real stick in the mud, but it is just not my sort of evening, a lovely meal and good company would of been a much better way of spending an evening, there were a few redeeming features, three of the wives were very nice, but I do not think I will be attending any more functions.

Tye's father was 60th last Friday and we drove up for a surprise dinner, its always lovely to see everyone, and this was a good evening, lovely food, and good company.

The following week went badly as I managed to knock the steering wheel of the car when I started it and of course that put the steering lock on and I do not have the strength to take this off. I had to walk to work, thankfully only a few metres away and then beg a neighbour to see what they can do, one sharp tug took the lock off, talk about feeling extremely inadequate!!!

I am now as usual racing around like a headless chicken trying to get things sorted out for my marathon all day crop tomorrow.

I spent most of last night wrapping up the potatoes and cooking like mad and still have things to sort today.

But that is the usual state of my days, far too much to do and far too little time to do it in.

Time

2008-11-24T15:34:00.002Z

I am forever blogging about this, or rather lack of it lol

Well, Friday my cat Bagheera was attacked and came in with his stomach hanging off, quick trip to the vets revealed that he had been attacked and I had to take him back for surgery on Saturday.

He is recovering quite well now after being stitched from his groin to his chest and looking very miserable at having to wear a cone collar!!!

2008-11-19T14:16:00.002Z

Is it me or does everyone spent their day dashing from one place to another !!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was one of those days, it was meant to be quiet, normal 9am school start, then work from 9am till 1pm the set up the hall for my club then pick Connor up from school, make some dinner Tye would then take Connor to football practise and I would go and relax and run my club.

Ok Connor wanted to walk with his friends so had to drop him off at friends house as 8.20am. Friends mother asked if I could take one of her sons home after school as she had sports with the other one, not a problem as she is a friend and lovely person and her sons are as good as gold.

So now at work early, and have to find cheap B&B's in London for one of the soldiers, ok task in itself, is there such a thing? Managed to find a few and then couldn't find the military code for the discount off the London Eye, so sent out emails for help and searched.

Went and set up the hall, which took a bit longer than expected, then got home to find that I had had quite a few orders so started packing those up, then had a 'phone call from the vets to say that I could go and collect my Casey's remains, which reduced me to a blubbering mass again.

Managed to pull myself together only to find half the things on the order were still down in the stock room, and it was time to pick up the kids!!! So dragged the kids to the stock room to finish the orders, then home to pack them up, then to the post office and then to the vets!!

I didn't actually know what to say at the vets just told the new receptionist I had come to collect Casey, they obviously couldn't find a dog pick up and asked my name whereupon I received a hushed ohhh and she handed me a carrier bag, ok manged to get back into the car and blub quietly as I had two kids in the back.

Dropped of the first child then got my back and tried to get him into football kit, phone call from Tye saying that he had not yet left work and I would have to take Connor to football and he would pick him up, ok deep breath and try not to get annoyed with husband as it was not his fault!!!!

Came back downstairs to find Connor hugging the box of Casey and crying his eyes out, so massive hugs and talks on how it was for the best whilst trying to pull shin pads onto him.

Managed to get him to football and leave him and get back just in time to finish setting up for the club.

Suddenly remember that I had been a very bad mother and not only forgot an appointment with a new piano teacher, but also forgot to feed said child!!!!!!

Luckily Tye fed them both on pizza on his return!!!!!

Today is going slightly quieter I now just need to find the mess I call a home after yesterday!!!

Casey's box is beautiful, all pine carved and with a plaque with his name engraved on the top, I didn't expect all this, the vet arranged it all for me, but it is beautiful.

2008-11-17T10:44:00.007Z

Things are getting back to everyday life, not to say I am not still bursting into tears, whenever I find a toy or think I see Casey out of the corner of my eye, but I am as usual coping.

I have found over 600 photo's of my boy, I am so pleased that I snapped him at every opportunity, unfortunatley the only ones I have of him and I are the self taken ones I took of him on our last day, as usual I seem to be always behind the camera.

I have found a book and am now sorting papers and embellishments to do justice to my memory book of Casey.

I hate winter, I hate the dark nights the wet and cold and it seems to change everyone's mood, although I love Christmas, mind you this years will be strange but my 10 year old still believes, or kind of believes so we will have a lovely time.

A couple of weeks ago I made what I named a 'mish mash' book and it was the first creative thing I had done for a long time, so I was really pleased with myself.

I did show people and they said they liked it so I have now put it on sale in the shop and it is going really well. The papers in the book are Basic Grey Granola, chipboard shapes and stickers, you gotta just love BG !!!! LOL

I also made 40 Halloween bags for Connor's cub group, which I will put up a photo for later.

I have been busy trying not to order new stock, but there are such scrummy things out there at the moment that it is hard, I do have some gorgeous Teressa Collins papers and BIA covers coming soon, and need to get some more 'pink' BIA's as they just flew out.

I am really into Prima at the moment, their embossed books, and new Lollipop flowers are just scrummy.

Our last all day crop this year is December 13th, and I am looking forward to this one, I have lots of things planned including a Raffle and more challenges, lots of Christmas music, and Christmas hats etc

Of course we have our Christmas Tuesday crop which we do a secret, non scrapping Santa, and Santa sometimes brings the presents!!!!

Oh well the beginning of another week, it is cold wet and miserable and I so wanted to crawl back under my duvet this morning, especially as Connor was playing at being ill, but I had to remind myself that I am a responsible adult and mother, so was very firm and got him to school for 8am.

It is not right that school should start at 8am, but our school in their 'wisdom' decided to move the Gymnastics club to 8am on a Monday!! So we dragged ourselves out of bed!!!

Four Days on

2008-11-07T14:05:00.002Z

Well I am now four days on, and still bursting into tears, still avoiding going home from work to an empty house.

I didn't realize how much I depended on him and how much my life revolved around him, after work, I would go home and he would be waiting 'on the sofa' for me. I would take him out and we would have a lovely wonder through the woods, or a quick one if it was raining lol.

I would then get on with my emails and paperwork and he would curl up on my feet under the dining room table or in the workshop.

He was the last person I said goodnight to every night, and I am still saying it. I have given away all his food, but cannot bring myself to wash his bed and blanket yet.

Apparently he goes to the crematorium on Monday and then I will get his ashes back the following Monday, hopefully Tye or Connor will be able to come with me to do this.

Why is it that with all the memories we have we do not remember feeling, I spent that last day with my arms wrapped around him most of the day, and when the vet gave him the injection and when he had gone I just held him in my arms, but cannot I remember the feeling of his warm fur or wet nose, NO, all this is ripped away from us.

My next post will be better, I will of at least pulled myself together, I am sorting out photos, and writing down things he used to do, and that we all did together.

RIP

2008-11-03T16:26:00.005Z

Rest in Peace my beautiful Casey Dog

Today I had to have my beloved dog Casey put to sleep. He has been unwell for a couple of years now having had a tumor removed and chronic rheumatism, being on pain killers daily. For the last week he has not been eating and usually he drinks lots of water due to the pills, but he has not been drinking, he was losing control of his bladder which I knew the side effects of the pills where that his kidneys would shut down. We have had two extra years than we thought with him and for this we are grateful.

We bought Casey just after we lost our son Declan, we found him on a farm and there were six of them, Casey was the one that went up to Tye and laid his head on his knee and looked at him, we just had to have him.

We were going through a horrible time, trying to come to terms with the loss of our son, Casey was a god send, we could each take him out for long walks just to think, he never minded how often I cried into his soft coat and would always try to lick away my tears.

When we moved to Germany we had to leave him for two years with my parents, but I knew they loved him as much as we did and he would be well looked after. After two years we brought him over to Germany with us.

He was almost 12 years old and I think he had a good life I would like to think that we made him as happy as he made us.

We had always planned to be together when he had to go, but unfortunately Tye was away and couldn't make it back and Connor had been invited to a friends to play, which I thought was better for him, Connor gave him a big hug and told him he loved him before he went.

The task fell to me to take him to the vets, all this afternoon I have just sat and hugged him, and told him how much I loved him and how wonderful he had made my life and how much I owed him, after Declan died and life didn't seem worth living he pulled me through, I owe so much to him.

Its all well and good telling yourself that you are doing the right thing, when I took him into the vets he took one look and said it was the right decision, it was very quick and painless, and I held him in my arms whilst the vet gave him the injection, and looked into his eyes and said goodbye, I told him how much we all loved him and thanked him for being in our lives, as the liquid went in I just wanted to scream 'stop, please don't do this' but it was what was best for him, that is the second time now that I have had to do this.

I decided on a cremation for him as I couldn't' bear to have left him when we were posted, we will get a box with his ashes in it and I know it is morbid but seemed the best way, I may even sprinkle his ashes next time I go home on the beach which is one of the places he loved, one of his favourite things was chasing the sea gulls.

I am not religous but I hope that he is now at peace and chasing the seagulls to his hearts content.

I love you Casey and you will always be in my heart and a peace of my life, I will never forget you boy.

Catch up

2008-09-24T12:43:00.005Z

Wow have I got a mega catch up to do !!!!!!!!! LOL

OK what has been happening............

One of the biggest things we did over the holiday was to go to Disney World Florida. We had been planning this since last year and it was one of those things that we didn't think was going to happen, it was definitely not a holiday, but an adventure and one I will always remember.

I was dreading the plane journey but even that was great, there was plenty of room and the in-flight entertainment was great, our own individual TV screens with films and games, Connor was in his element, the food was good too.

The resort had mixed reviews when we looked it up but it was really nice the apartment was large and spacious, the pool could of been bigger, but I think I only went in it once.

We managed to get through most of what we wanted to see, Connor went round getting Disney character autographs and photos and we all had our photo taken with Mickey Mouse, well you have to don't you lol

We went to Kennedy Space Centre, Busch Gardens, Sea World, one of my favourites, I know they are in captivity, but I had never seen a Killer whale and I was in absolute awe, it brought tears to my eyes being near to these fabulous creatures.

The Americans were soo polite, always friendly and smiling and that wasn't just in the Disney resorts, I must admit to seeing some very large people.

The food was out of this world, Connor was in heaven when presented with six different colours of 'Jelly' for breakfast, we didn't do this too often, the all you can eat buffets explain someway towards the weight problems and on several occasions my eyes were too big for my stomach and I suffered for it.

We went to a couple of evening shows and Mum celebrated her 60th Birthday.

Tye got to play golf on some of the most amazing courses.

All in all it was a fabulous holiday one which will stay with us for a long time, all I have to do now is get on with the Layouts.

This weekend I went to watch Connor play football, they have moved up to 11 a-side now and play 35 minutes each way which when we do not have any subs is tough for them. Connor had an amazing game, he was all over the field and tackling anyone who went past him, my heart nearly stopped a few times as he was brought down and I managed not to hobble out on the field to check he was OK. The other sides coach was heard to say keep an eye on that number 5, and my heart lept with pride, as I though 'that's my son'. I hate standing on the side of a football pitch, I hate the cold, I try to understand the off side rule, but all that pales into insignificance at the pride that I felt for my little boy.

My Laptop died again!!!!! I am sure computers hate me, luckily this time I did have an indication that this was going to happen and managed to get all my data and photo's off. Unfortunatley my OutLook diary was lost, all my dates, I could tell what we as a family had been doing for the last few years, all my birthdays and importants dates were saved, now I have lost these, I am struggling to find them all again.

Life is continually busy and we are coming into the most difficult part of it, for me anyway, I hate winter and it hates me, mind you did we have a summer?

The busy is doing well and I am now formatting my first Tax Return! gulp The All Day Crops have been so popular that we are now doing them every month as opposed to every other month as I had waiting lists for them. The only thing that seems to be suffering is my ability to scrap, I don't seem to have the time to do my scrapping anymore. Tye always tells me that my time management skills are crap, and maybe he is right, but I seem to be juggling so many things at the moment.

A friend is going through a tough anniversary at the moment, she lost her baby son Harrison last year and we have just had the anniversary of his Birthday, with the anniversary of his death to come. Although I have been though something similar I would never presume to know how she is feeling my heart goes out to her and as ever at the injustices of this world

Turning FORTY !!!

2008-07-04T11:51:00.021Z

Well this is going to be a long blog entry, mainly because I have once again neglected to blog.

If you want to read feel free but grab a cup of tea first you could be here a while.

I am really enjoying the business at the moment, but sometimes things people do amaze me, I recently ordered a load of padded envelopes and added a roll of tape to the order so that I could get free delivery. About three days later two very large boxes arrived. One full of the envelopes and the other one exactly the same size had the roll of tape in it!!!!! WHY springs to mind what a waste of space and resources.

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Connor has been growing his hair for a while now and it is now down to the middle of his back, he loved it that long, but being a typical boy it is a pain in neck to get him to brush and wash it, and with going on holiday, I finally managed to persuade him to have it cut, although if asked he would say I forced him!! honestly I didn't.

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Tye got Promoted, we have been waiting for this for a while now and while it is fabulous news for him, it is about time. I know I always go on about him, but he is the most amazing person, maybe not to live with, no only joking sweetheart (well almost) but this promotion is well deserved.

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As a birthday treat I went to Amsterdam with seven wonderful friends, we went to Scrap-a-ganza and had a fabulous time. We set off early hours of Friday morning and caught the ferry to France.

Anna's husband Connell drove us all the way there and all the way back bless him, and I do need to say that he has the patience of a saint.

This next picture is a 'had to be there' I have just explained it to Tye and he didn't think it was amusing, but we were all killing ourselves laughing. The lifts didn't go down to the parking until the ferry came to a complete stop, but these two rather large men got in the lift and the doors closed and 5 minutes later the lift had not moved and they were still in there, we all thought this was amusing and had to press the door open button and try not to laugh until the doors closed again, but as I said you 'had to be there'.

We had to have the obligatory photos with the teach and if you notice we are all doing the 'thinning pose' one leg forward, learn forward and chin out. LOL not sure it worked.

It was a fabulous weekend, the classes were amazing and the company just great.

------------------------------------------

I have never really bothered about my age, and I didn’t think that reaching 40 would be a big deal and it wasn’t really. I did burst into tears when Tye gave me his card but that was because of the lovely thing he wrote in it. I did feel a bit low all day and I know part of that is because of the time of the year but I think I was feeling my mortality slightly all day.

The boys bought me a gorgeous Troll bracelet and lock and beads, and later took me into town and Tye bought be another bead for our Anniversary. My troll bracelet is definitely building up, Maria bought me two beads, Tye of course bought me three and Connor bought me a beautiful silver cat one, Lynne bought me a music box, John and Sue bought me a bead and so did Mal so I now have quite a collection.

Tye took me out for dinner at Valle dore which is a gorgeous Italian restaurant and we had a lovely meal.

Sunday I had organized a BBQ for the camp, I was panicking slightly because the weather was cloudy and it did rain a bit when we were setting up, but all in all the weather stayed good. The organization was a pain in the butt for the this, and a big thank you goes out to Jimmy Rocket, Angela and their team for the wonderful entertainment. I spent the day organizing kids games and worrying that everyone else was enjoying themselves, which I think they did.

Sometimes I wonder why I agree to these things, they always seem a good idea at the time, but me being a perfectionist cannot stand back, I have to make sure it all goes well. Never again lol mind you I said that after the Easter Function

I love my scrap club and all the girls, and Maria, Karen and Anna I will never trust you guys again, talk about sneaky !!!!!!! Maria had organized for everyone to do pages for me in a special 40th Album, which turned out to be two albums and had even sneaked some photos from me at Lynne's crop and I didn't even notice (does this mean I have far too many photos!!!) The books are amazing, thank you everyone buts especially Maria.

This beautiful rose bush was bought for me by Elizabeth, its called Birthday Girl and is still alive thank you hun.

I had a surprise birthday party on the Tuesday, when I arrived the room was packed to bursting and there was party food and the most amazing Birthday Cake I have ever seen, (thank you Pauline) I got another bead for my bracelet, thank you Karen and two amazing scrapbook albums made by my crop circle girls, which were the most amazing present ever, I have since had a chance to look through these properly and they are absolutely fabulous and something I will treasure forever.

Thank you

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Wedding Weekend

June has been an horrendous month with something every weekend, first weekend in Holland for Scrap-a-ganza then my 40th then Mick’s Wedding then the all day crop then one free weekend to panic before going off to Florida !!!

I bought a lovely dress for the wedding something really different. I asked Anna's opinion and I love her dearly and if you want an honest opinion she is definitely the person to ask, she told me the dress was disgusting and looked like a pair of really bad old fashioned curtains. She then told me she had seen the dress in the window of Debenhams and so everyone would be wearing it!!!

Luckily no one else was wearing it and although I didn't feel 100% comfortable in it, I did get a few compliments.

Back to the wedding, what is there to say, well I didn’t want to go, I don’t have a lot in common with my brother anymore and don’t feel that I actually know him and the times that I have spoken to him he has always come across as arrogant. His girlfriend I dislike because she has basically put a wedge in our family and is very conniving. Things in the North seem to be going ok at the moment and I am pleased about this because I hate to see my mother upset or pushed out, as she was, so I am very pleased that this is a little better. I don’t want to be involved in this though, my relationship with my father has suffered since she has been on the scene and that is something I will never forgive her for.

I went to the wedding I made an effort with what I wore and the wedding gift, which I bought beautiful frames and printed out photos of the wedding that I had taken on the day to put into them. I smiled and talked in the right places, but one day was enough. I am glad the day went well and that nothing went wrong I would never wish that on them.

I was meant to go for a meal on the Sunday with bride, groom and both sets of parents, but one day was enough for me, so I cried off with the excuse that it would be too much for me and it has been a very tiring weekend.

I had planned to spend the day with one of my dearest friends Helen, at the last minute we decided to go for a pub meal and had a great time catching up. Unfortunately Karen decided to phone to say thank you and bless her, mum always feels that she has to justify my actions, I wish she would just let it be and not worry about what I did, but then on the other hand I don’t want things to be taken out on her for what I do. So apparently they were told that I had gone out with Helen, mum was a bit mortified by this, but of course it didn’t bother me.

So I have now done my duty, and it will probably be another 10 years before I see them again.

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Connor was 10 on 26th June OMG my baby is 10, now that is scary, he is growing up so fast.

We let him open his presents on the morning as Tye was going to be back a bit late and he wanted to take his main present a shiny new bike to school with him.

After school he had three friends back and I filled the trampoline with balloons, unfortunately it was really windy and I think the neighbourhood had more of the balloons, but there were some left when he got home, I decorated the front with balloons and a big banner and made a lovely buffet lunch for them all, put on some music and they had a great time.

When Tye got home he took them all to the pictures to see Narnia - Prince Caspian which was only released on the day of Connor's birthday which made it even more special. Unfortunately one of the boys threw up when they reached the car park, sick is one thing that Tye doesn't deal with very well, lol Luckily the boy was ok and they still got to watch the film

All in all Connor said he had a brilliant day, but a long one.

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The Saturday was my June all day crop which was a complete sell out, in fact an over sell out, but we managed.

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Sunday we had a Vallely dinner at Pizza Hut, 10 adults and 1 child and OMG how many pizzas!!!!!

We had a giant Birthday cake brought out for Connor bless and and it took him a while to decide what to wish for.

After Pizza hut we all went back to the house and a game of giant frizbee was in order!!!!!!

Sad

2008-06-12T08:40:00.002Z

I thought I was coping ok, I am fascinated with time so keeping busy is always my motto, and I have been holding it together, keeping my mood swings under control, feeling really low but handling it as always, nothing else you can do.

I have just ordered flowers for Declan, the Florist that I used to use closed down, which I know its a minor thing but it was a big deal for me, it was like another part of my life slipping away, they had always sent flowers for me and walked them up to the graveyard, but today I took a deep breath and found another Florist, they were very nice, it doesn't help though when you can hear them crying when you read out what you want put on the card.

I hate that I can only send him flowers, but they are sent with all of my heart and each time I send them another piece of me dies, I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or after sympathy from anyone who does read this, writing down my emotions helps me, a lot of the time I can't talk to anyone about them, I did try to reach Tye who is my 'rock' and keeps me going, but he is unavailable, life is just so cruel and I know I always say this, but at this moment in time I have let go of my self control and my heart feels like its being smashed to pieces, I will pull myself together I always do, there isn't another option, but for the moment life has ended.

June

2008-06-11T10:54:00.002Z

June is always a month of mixed emotions.

It has started off on a fabulous high, after a long wait Tye has finally got his promotion, to me this is long overdue and well deserved bless him.

It was a stress full couple of weeks leading up to the announcement but an amazing high when he found out. It was unfortunate that it fell on the same weekend that I had planned to go to Scrap-a-ganza, so we haven't really had a chance to celebrate this fully, although he did celebrate to the max with his friends lol, he is still being told some of the things they got up to on their night out lol but to give him his due he was back, albeit in body not mind by midnight on the Thursday as I had to leave at 1am on the Friday.

I didn't actually sleep on the Thursday, excitement for him at being promoted, excitement about going to Holland and worrying that he wouldn't make it back in time. When he did get back I thought I would catch an hours sleep, but no why is it that men can snore so loudly, I even stuffed toilet paper into my ears, but no I could still hear him through this, I gave up on the idea of sleep and got up and took Casey out.

Must send a big thank you to Anna's husband Connell who drove all the way there and all the way back, and even though there were a few mishaps with the map and traffic, and the 'Kennedy Tunnel' lol he did not lose his cool, Thank you Connell.

There were some admin problems to the weekend and the food wasn't exactly to my taste, but looking at the big picture I had a fabulous time, a weekend spent with some great friends and taking scrapping classes, what more could I ask for. I do not need to make a concerted effect to finish all the projects that I started.

This weekend coming is going to be tough, I am 40 (no that's not the tough part, I never actually think how old I am and usually cannot remember, mind you 40 is easier to remember and on a couple of examinations in the mirror, I think my face is starting to feel its age) We had to make the decision to turn our son's life support off on my birthday, and he died last thing on Father's Day and of course it is our Anniversary on 17Th, so all in all a very emotional weekend.

I also agreed to organize a BBQ for where I work, not sure whether I am being emotionally suicidal, or the fact that I wanted to work through so my brain did not have a chance to think, but we shall see.

The following weekend my brother gets married, I don't really have a lot to do with him any more, over the years we have both taken different paths, and turned into very different people, I must admit that I do not know him any more and have nothing in common with him. There is a lot of side taking and the family has been split and I do blame him and his partner for this. I am not looking forward to attending the wedding, don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish for anything to go wrong with the arrangements or the day, just not keen on being there, but I do get to see my parents and my wonderful friend Helen, who I wish I could spend more time with.

The week after that is Connor's 10th birthday, OMG my baby is 10, I know everyone says this but 'where have the years gone', he is growing up so fast, but assures me that he will never be too big for a cuddle, I will hold him to that one.

Then I have our summer all day crop, which is going to be very well attended, and we all usually have such great fun that I am looking forward to this one.

Major Catch up

2008-05-25T16:42:00.010Z

Wow this must be the longest that I haven't blogged for, and I have missed doing so, but as usual life has been so busy and hectic.

We have even had snow in this time !!!!!!

The shop is going really well and I love receiving big boxes of stash, even if it is stock and I am not allowed to touch!!!!!!

The Crops are going really well too, and very busy now that they are every week, I have started importing teachers and this seems to be going down quite well.

The photography side is very busy too and recently I have had baby photo shoots and animal photo shoots, not sure which ones I prefer.

Scrap-a-ganza is getting closer and I am really looking forward to that, a whole weekend away with friends, taking amazing scrapbook classes, what could be better. I have signed up for lots of classes so will be taking lots of pain medication with me, but hey ho its one weekend, I am sure I can live through it.

We went to a ceremony on Saturday the prize giving for the DW Canoe race and the Guest speaker was Ian Wynne Olympic Bronze Medalist, his talk was really good, interesting and funny, we later got to see and hold his Olympic Medal, which was an amazing thing not something I would of thought I could say I had done.

The Teams won four prizes in all and came home with the trophy's and certificates and determination that they will do it again next year and better their times.

The weather man got it right !!!!! it has been wet cold and windy most of the day today, yuk, but it has meant that I have had time to update stock, finish writing the instructions for a class I took, and update my long awaited blog which I promise I shall never leave this long again.

Still no scrapping though, maybe later.

Catch Up

2008-04-04T09:04:00.008Z

Where have the weeks gone !!!!!!!

Well the Easter Egg Hunt I organized was a great success and enjoyed by all 70 kids and over 100 parents !!!!!!! Will I be doing it again? (someone slap me if I ever mention it)

The Football is coming on really well the boys are really getting on as a Team, unfortunately we are now at the end of the Season only a few games left and they are already talking about splitting them up!! We (the parents) had a talk about this and asked the boys what they wanted to do, and they want to stay together, so I think we are going to put this forward, and if they don't like this we are going to form a break-away team!!!! It was the twins birthday so after the match it was another trip to Burger King.

We all went to visit Shaun and Natalie and see their new flat which is gorgeous, and then out for a pub meal for his Birthday, Connor gets on so well with Shaun and Gregg and of course Natalie and Rachel it is lovely to see, it was such a shame that the distance kept them from knowing their nephew, but they are definitely making up for it now.

Mind you I am a bit dubious on some points !!!!!!! Think Tye just noticed that Connor was preparing to dive in !!!!!!!!!!

I am taking another photo course with CJ and as usual it is a wonderful course, well set out and great modules, unfortunatley I didn't find the time to complete module two but I will go back and do the task when I have the chance, this weeks was candid photos and I did manage to complete this.

This was one from a previous week though.

Last Friday we went to a race night at the Cubs, Connor has been going for four weeks now and loves it. We were given the task to make a horse, well as usual we left it very last minute. So I made the base of the horse out of chicken wire and paper mache, Connor then helped shape it (although it still looks more like a donkey than a horse) we then painted it and made a saddle and bridle, put on a tail and mane etc, we were trying to dry it with hairdryers as we had left it till the afternoon to finish.

We got to the cubs and some had made an effort and their horses were really good and some had just cut out a shape and that was it.

Connor was in the third race and was really excited about this, it was an obstacle race and bless him he threw the dice for the first time got a three and landed on a square that said 'Your horse has broken his leg, you are OUT' !!!!!!! he took it very well in front of his friends, but came and sat next to us, and had a little quiet cry, I was so gutted for him, all that hard work bless him.

Later on they judged the horses for best turned out and he won that, so it cheered him up.

On the way to Connor's school there is a field of sheep and they have now all had little lambs so of course I had to take the camera down and get some cute photos.

Tried to take some photos of the full moon, had to go into the street to do this as it was directly behind a tree in our garden, I just hope no one was awake at that time !!

Devizes Westminster

2008-03-24T18:48:00.006Z

I like most people had never heard of this race before. It is the longest canoe race in the world (125 miles) and held at a time of the year when the weather can be either cruel or kind.

This year it was cruel, we had extreme cold, wind, rain and even snow.

Tye is a real adrenaline junkie, after his rehabilitation when he was told he would never walk again, he was determined to do the London marathon, but with injuries as severe as he sustained even he had to admit to himself that he would never manage this.

The DW is something he has wanted to do for a while, the army has two teams the A Team (corps team) who for 10 weeks do nothing but train continuously for this race and the B Team, who continue with their day to day jobs and train whenever they can. Tye was part of the B Team who to me were the elite as they undertook this arduous task knowing that they had to complete day to day work as well.

I knew it was going to be difficult but nothing could of prepared me for how difficult this was for them.

Because the weather was so bad it was decided that it was too dangerous to be on the Thames at night, so they had to start on the Kennett and Avon Canal at night.

Connor and I drove down to Devizes to see them off, were promptly sent out for chips for them, they had been trying to eat every hour for the past few days and drink at least 10 pints of water, there is a high risk of dehydration and they could lose up to 19lbs in weight during the race.

Even at this point we were just excited to see them off, they were a little nervous but determined. We planned to meet them at Newbury, but they didn't reach Newbury until 3.30am, I was in constant contact with the ground crew (two people who follow the race and shove bite sized pieces of food and drink into the mouths of the crew and change their water)

Connor was out for the count as we hadn't got back from Devizes till late, so I followed the progress on the Internet and constantly telephoned the 'ground crew'. I didn't sleep much, just wished I knew where he was and how he was.

Connor and I set off on the Sunday, we had had reports from the ground crew that they were tiring and not in a good state. There had been quite a lot retire from the race, the weather was dreadful, hail, snow, rain and very windy, perfect conditions for it !!!!!!

Connor and I drove into London, well East Moseley, which I have no idea where it is, poor Connor was navigating and reading the road numbers to me as the post code I had found online didn't work. I was panicking slightly, well more than slightly, I am not good when I don't know where I am going, and I usually avoid driving around London as it scares the life out of me.

Anyway we found East Moseley, before the ground crew I might add!! I had brought lots of coffee and water with me as they had run out of water and the lads were drinking energy drinks, which were obviously good for them, but making them throw up.

East Mosely was awful, Tye and Martin, pulled up at the lock and they had to get out and run with with boat around the lock and put it back in, they were both blue with cold and shaking, just watching them try to pull themselves up onto the lock from the boat was painful, they had no energy and their legs were obviously not working well. The Ground Crew helped them onto the side, and then shoved energy drinks and food into them, which they promptly threw up and continued to retch. They had to carry the canoe and paddles themselves, it was so upsetting to see, they could hardly stand let alone run carrying the canoe, we were not allowed to help so we could just watch them and try to support them verbally. At this stage I just wanted to wrap Tye up in a warm blanket and take him home, don't think he would of liked this, Connor and I stayed back and out of the way, it was something he had to do.

We waved them on and then got back into the cars, the next stop was Teddington, it was a while before they got there and they were in an even worse state, they had gone in the water and were even colder if that was possible, they didn't get out this time, just had a few bite sized pieces of chocolate pushed into their mouths and continued on.

The weather was bitter, the ground crew stayed to wait for some of the other crews, but I took Connor on as I was worried about finding Westminster let alone parking !!!!!!!!

We did eventually find it and I basically abandoned the car the other side of the river opposite the London Eye. We met up with Tye's family who had all come out to cheer him on.

The Ground Crew told me that it would be 2/2.5 hours from Teddington to Westminster. The Thames was awful, very choppy and the wind was quite strong.

As we all stood huddled together in the cold it hit us what an amazing achievement this race is. It is not publicised and most people would never of heard of it, although it is the longest canoe race in the world and of course held at the beginning of the year the weather is not always the best. We were all outraged at the lack of fan fair, we expected more of a welcome for them when they had finished the race, at least a band or something. The Marshall's who are all volunteers, were at the finish, some of them in dry suits, and of course St John's Ambulance crews. The tents for them to get changed in as well as the emergency tents were across the road, some distance away.

The tourists that had come to see the London Eye or the Aquarium, stared interestedly as the crews were pull up the steps, they had no idea of the enormity of each persons achievement. We on the other hand clapped and yelled like mad at every crew arrived safely back and were supported up the steps.

Over two hours had long gone and I was starting to get worried, I finally managed to get hold of the ground crew and they told me that Tye and Martin had capsized on the Thames, it was dark by now and the waves even stronger. I later found out that they had been in the Thames for over 10 minutes before a passer by had noticed them and called out Rescue for them. I couldn't even begin to imagine what they felt like after paddling for over 20 hours in the bitter cold then to be left in the freezing water in the dark.

Once they were pulled out they had to wait for their Ground Crew to reach them as the Rescue department would not let them continue without dry clothes. It was an hour and a half before they were allowed to continue, by this time they were absolutely freezing. The amount of courage and determination it must of taken to get back into the water after all that is unimaginable.

Meanwhile back at Westminster, the radio's were buzzing and the boats were coming in minus crews, every time they pulled an empty boat out, I fought to see the number scared stiff that it would be Tye and Martin's, we couldn't really make out what they were saying on the radio's only that there were people in the water and empty boats coming in.

One of the crew members they pulled out was unconscious, they were trying to talk to him, he was shaking uncontrollably, we later found out that he was one of the Corps A team and was rushed to hospital where it was touch and go and he stopped breathing several times.

Finally Tye's boat came up to the steps and both him and Martin were pulled out of the boat, the sense of relief was unbelievable, I was fighting to hold back the tears and he actually walked up the stairs bless him after everything they had been through. They carried the boat up for them and they were looked at quickly by the St John's Ambulance and then given their medal and told to get the boats out of the way as quickly as they could !!!!!!!

A Hero's Welcome !!! Hardly.

The Engineer B Team (Tye's Team, the part timers) won the Inter Services Team Event. Tye came 21st overall even with having to stop for an hour and a half and was in the top 10 most of the way through at the Portage check in points.

I later asked why the race wasn't published like the Marathon or similar feats of achievement. I was told that the people that do this race do not do it for glory, or fame they do it for themselves, to prove to themselves what they can do and the sense of achievement at the end is worth all the pain during and immediately after the race.

So without sounding patronizing well done to all those that took part in this race, all those that finished and all those that didn't.

25 crews ended up in hospital with hypothermia, more than 60 retired.

Another one of the Army crews, lost their boat over the Weir, they just managed to get out and cling onto the side, they were left clinging their for 25 minutes before they were eventually rescued, they were taken to hospital. Their boat was torn in half going over the Wier.

The next couple of days proved very difficult for Tye, the exertion to even move let alone put on clothes meant excruciating pain. Today three days later, he can finally dress himself, and walk without wincing with pain, he still does not have complete feeling in his fingers but can finally managed to eat a meal.

You were my Hero before this sweetheart and I had every faith in you completing it, I knew it would be hard but didn't realize just how hard it would be, it is an amazing achievement and something that you will always remember taking part it and finishing.

Easter

2008-03-19T17:26:00.003Z

Ok Boys will be boys, Connor is 9.5 year old and old enough I thought to be trusted to get washed and dressed on his own. (Well ok he still needs reminding to get washed and a shove towards the bathroom to clean his teeth, but not unlike anyother boy that age). Whilst straightening his shirt today, I notice that his boxer shorts look uncannily like the ones he had on yesterday !!!! Ok I know he has several that are the same, but I decided to question this, to which I get the reply that yes they are the same ones as he had on yesterday, they are having a competition at school to see who can wear their underwear for the longest !!!!!!!! (ewwwww immediately came to mind, especially when he told me that one of the boys was on day 10!!!!!!!!) Connor was on day 3 and after a stern talking to is back to day 1 !!!!!!!! BOYS !!!!!!!!!!

It is Tye's big race this weekend so I though I would put some information on the race on here.

The Race

The Devizes to Westminster International Canoe Race is the longest non-stop canoe race in the world. It starts in the quiet market town of Devizes in Wiltshire and finishes 125 miles later at Westminster Bridge, directly opposite the Houses of Parliament in the heart of London. It is held over the Easter weekend each year and has been a fixture in the British sporting calendar since 1950. But DW is much more than just a canoe race - it’s an adventure! It forces competitors to dig long and deep into their reserves of physical and mental stamina which is why the race is often called “the canoeists’ Everest”. Having the technical skill to paddle a kayak or canoe is essential but the most important quality needed to complete DW is raw determination. And the reward for making the mighty effort needed to cross the finish line is a sense of satisfaction so profound that many paddlers can’t resist coming back year after year.

The race can either be completed in one continuous effort or paddled over four days. The Senior Doubles event (often called the straight-through race) is non-stop and is exclusively for adult paddlers in a two person boat. The Senior Doubles crews set off from Devizes and simply don’t stop till they get to Westminster, 125 miles and 77 portages later. For elite crews, this journey may take 17 or 18 hours – the race record has stood since 1979 at an incredible 15 hours and 34 minutes - but it is a real achievement to break 20 hours and the bulk of paddlers take around 24. But however quick a crew is, everyone has to paddle through the night. Coping with deep fatigue in the hours of darkness is just one of the challenges facing DW paddlers in the straight-through race.

THE COURSE

The course itself falls naturally into 3 sections. The first 54 miles runs along the Kennet and Avon Canal and is punctuated irregularly by over 50 locks. The water is placid and, apart from avoiding “numb bum” on the first 14 mile stretch, negotiating the deceptively long Bruce Tunnel, coping with the frequent portages and running for up to a mile at Crofton Locks, there are no great technical difficulties. Within the canal section, a significant landmark is reached after 34 miles at Newbury because between there and Reading, where the canal comes out into the River Thames, there is a little helpful flow on the water created by the River Kennet weaving in and out of the canal.

The second part of the course is the 53 miles along the River Thames from Reading to Teddington, This section has slightly more flow - depending on how much rain there has been in the weeks leading up to Easter - and fewer locks so it is inherently faster than the canal. The main challenge on the Thames – apart from keeping going - is to ensure that the boat is correctly positioned when approaching locks and weirs. There are a number of dangerous antiscour weirs and it is crucial to steer well clear of them so as to avoid being swept over. Memorising the layout of the weirs in advance is important for all paddlers but particularly for straight-through racers who will be negotiating the river in the dark. Full diagrams of the river locks are issued to all entrants.

The final section of the race is the 17 miles from Teddington to Westminster Bridge on the tidal section of the Thames - the Tideway. This stretch often has big boat washes thrown up by pleasure craft and speed boats so it is important that paddlers select a boat of sufficient stability for their technical level, particularly as this section is undertaken when paddlers are at their most fatigued. It is also imperative to arrive at the Tideway when the tide is flowing out because it is not feasible to paddle against an incoming tide. This fact leads to an important characteristic of the race, namely that each crew must calculate how long it expects to take to get from Devizes to Teddington and select its start time from Devizes accordingly. A crew which underestimates how long it will take to reach the tidal section will find that the tide is coming in and they have to wait hours for it to turn again. This, of course, has a disastrous impact on their overall race time. Equally, a crew arriving too early at Teddington will have to kill time till the tide turns and starts to run out.

THE BOATS

Most of the boats in the race are kayaks, whether K2s or K1s but there is usually a good turnout of Canadian canoes, particularly in the straight-through race. Finally, some of the military crews enter in folding boats (Kleppers) but the weight of these boats makes them suitable only for the strongest competitors. Whatever type of boat you choose, it is important to achieve a high level of stability because the most difficult technical section of the course is encountered when paddlers are most tired – it is better to err on the side of a slower, more stable boat if you are in any doubt about your ability to handle a faster boat in difficult water.

Happy Birthday Declan

2008-03-10T20:33:00.003Z

I don't know what to write!!! unlike me I know.

Firstly, mum if you are reading this I am so sorry that I appear distant whenever you mention Declan and I know you are hurting too and that you love me and wanted to check I am ok, but sometimes it hurts too much to talk about it, and I suppose even more so with someone who was there with us. I can't cope with other peoples emotions, I barely hold myself together and am just not strong enough to prop someone else up too. That doesn't mean I don't love you, because I do, and I know you are always there for me if I need you. Love you mum.

Today went in a blur really, I had a flat tyre on Sunday, and of course the spare had a nail in it, which I had meant to get fixed but didn't quite get around to it!!! One of the guys from the Football Team pumped it up for me and it was still up today, so I managed to get Connor to school, I don't really remember much of work, but decided to go to the Bank and post some orders, probably not a good plan on a tyre that was going down, but passed an ATS on the way back and they fixed both tyres for me, bless them.

It is 8.40pm and Tye is still at work, he has lots on, but that is his way of coping with things too, just to keep busy, not try to forget, just make it through the day, living with the painful memories. Don't get me wrong we have some wonderful memories too, Declan was a very wilful little person, and kept his nurses on their toes, and he had the most beautiful smile, that just melted my insides. The sad thing is that all you have left is memories, I can't remember the feeling of cuddling him, of kissing his forehead, of holding his hand, all those physical memories are taken away from us.

Happy Birthday Declan, you are in my heart and soul as always my little Angel.

I'm Back

2008-03-08T18:57:00.016Z

Sorry, March is not a good month for me, will explain that one later, and I have been chasing my tail at the moment.

The shop website is doing really well, I am so pleased with it and keep rushing down to the Post Office with lots of lovely goodies to go out.

Tye bought me a congratulations card when I got my first order and he wrote to my 'business woman wife' inside bless him.

Connor made me some lovely cards for mothers day, three of them, and I got tea in bed, then had to go and watch the football match, well I didn't have to as Connor did say that I could stay in bed, but I thought that knowing my luck the only match I don't go to they will probably win !!! Tye went into work after the match, (they didn't win 1-2) I then went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours.

Connor came back from his week with his Nan with a little present for me, very sweet and the right colour, bless him.

I lost my mobile about two months ago now and I still haven't found it, luckily the nice people at O2 gave me the same number, which was the part I was worried about, and I bought myself a gorgeous purple, well pinky purple phone.

This is just a photo because I was amazed that they made chocolate bars especially for the Armed Forces and I though it was amusing.

Lots of photo's today, this one is of Casey enjoying his morning cornflakes and milk. He is still going strong bless him despite having arthritis and cancer, he still enjoys chasing his ball, long walks, lots of hugs and of course his cornflakes !!!!!

I have been incredibly busy as I have started the crops weekly now, alternate Tuesday's and Thursday's, they are going down really well and the class last Thursday was great fun, we made a flag book and got very messy with Tim Holtz color wash sprays, at least I did, the rest of the girls put on the gloves!! I don't usually teach people I know, but I did enjoy it. Another class coming up this Thursday, lots of paper cutter, inking and stitching with the Bazzill stitch templates.

Work is starting to get busy too, I have taken on the organizing of an Easter Egg hunt, which should be great fun, but lots to sort out, and I have my six month review on Thursday, so that should be interesting, I have to put together a PowerPoint presentation !!!!!!!

I get some strapping young lads on loan on Monday, who are going to power wash the front of my building and paint the doors etc, should be worth a photo or two!!!!!!! Anyone want to pop in for a coffee let me know!!!! LOL

The all day crop went really well, and a big thank you to Maria and Karen who did the catering for me, thanks girls, you wouldn't believe how less stressful that made things. And a big thank you as always to Elizabeth, I don't know what I would do without you hun.

I think I may have an alphabet adiction !!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I had my first lie in for over a month, well kinda, Tye had another canoe excursion, the race is getting here quickly and they nearly killed themselves last week, night canoeing, they nearly went over a weir!!! comforting thought. Anyway he was out canoeing again and Connor can usually sleep for England, the dog woke me up at 8am by throwing up so I had to clean that up and let him out, I then dozed off again and was woken up at 8.30am by a little voice saying 'I've made you a cup of tea mum, are you awake!!!' Ok first though was to yell 'NO' and 'go away', but I opened my eyes a fraction and this cute little boy is holding a lovely cup of tea for me, so I gave him a hug and had a couple of sips, before dozing off again. He went and played in his room and watched TV, I finally got up at 10am, so although I didn't quite fall back asleep I sort of dozed in the warmth so it was very nice.

Football again tomorrow and Tye has promised that I will buy them burgers if they win!!! He won't be there as he is canoeing again!!!! I will be glad when this race is over.

Another busy week next week, which starts as usual with an 8am Monday start.

Monday 10th March 1997, was the day that my eldest son was born, on Monday he would of been 11 years old!! I wonder what he would look like now, whether he would still have a head full of dark hair, whether he would of grown it long like Connor, whether he would still have such a strong character, maybe they would be in the same football team, I know I have said this before but Life is Unfair, and although you try to take it as it comes sometimes you just want to shout this out, you don't want to be good about it and say yes I'm coping, because No I'm not, not on the inside, and I don't think I ever will. I am 40 this year (yes I said it) and I am being pressured into having a party, but then I haven't celebrated my Birthday since we lost Declan, but how do you say to people, I am not worried about turning 40 (well not really), its just that we had to make the decision to turn our son's life support off on my Birthday, and that kind of takes the edge off any celebration. To this day I remember every detail of every day leading up to the decision and Declan's death, and I always will.

Blonde Days

2008-02-21T10:44:00.006Z

I have a photo shoot yesterday, and it went really well, three gorgeous boys to photograph who had great fun, with my props of a glassless frame, a football and some toy swords!!!!!!!

Whilst setting up though I had a totally blonde moment, I was staple gunning the backdrops to the wall and managed to put the staples through my fingers, oh not once but three times!!!! Owwww, I had to prize the out it is amazing how long the staples are that go into these things I now have three sticky plasters across my fingers (photo to come).

I am sure men have blonde days too, Tye decided to wash his hair over the bath, he usually has a shower, but for some reason just wanted to wash his hair, now we women do this all the time. I heard screams from the bathroom (he wanted me to put manly shouts if I ever blogged about this) but they were definite screams!!!!! When I went into the bathroom he was soaked!!!

Any woman knows that you either move the little thing that goes across the bath, that you put your sponges in (if you have one) nearer and rest the shower head in that or turn the shower off inbetween rinsing, but oh no he decided to let it dangle in the bath and of course water pressure and all that he got soaked, but he didn't just do it the once, no TWICE!!!!!!! and he says I'm BLONDE!!!!!!!!

Connor is away this week, but my life doesn't seem to have slowed down any, the house is still untidy today, which is this afternoons job, I am busy with the website, thank you to everyone who has looked and put orders in, I am still really excited about it.

I have achieved a few things, sorted out my Flag book kits for next Thursday, went into Newbury and bought myself a new phone (a purple one, well lilac) so my number is still the same but I am now 'brickless', I just need to get a new ring tone.

LIVE

2008-02-19T09:44:00.005Z

The shop site is LIVE and ready for business.

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I am really quite excited about this, had a great day yesterday with Maria at the Trade show, opened lots of new accounts and put in some orders. Met Tim Holtz again and bumped into lots of lovely scrapping friends, all in all it was a fun day.

One of the things we saw were new machines from Sizzix, a Black and Pink Bigshot and a pale pink tag-a-long, OMG I must have these they are gorgeous.

Connor is spending the week in London with his Nan, and thoroughly enjoying himself, he went to see the changing of the guard yesterday, but was more impressed with the squirrels in the park taking nuts from his hand!!!!!

Valentines Day

2008-02-14T15:58:00.007Z

When I picked Connor up from school today my heart broke. They had been making Valentine Day cards and he had decided to make one for his brother Declan. Bless him it was such a sweet thought, but the pain that gripped me when I read the words was unbearable. We drove straight to Tye's work, it was a family hug moment.

Connor is talking more and more about Declan, what he would of looked like whether he would play football in his Team with him. I feel so awful, we nearly lost Connor too and I was advised that they couldn't guarantee the survival of either myself or another child if I fell pregnant again. Which means that Connor has grown up an only child, know of course that he had a brother but having no one to play with. Both Tye and I have a lot of time for him, inport friends and let him join any clubs that he wants, but I don't suppose that this makes up in any way for not having his brother.

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Football last week wasn't as good they lost 1-5 but still, it is getting better.

Tye's canoeing is going well, met him at the Woolhampton Bridge after the football game and managed to get some good photos of him.

It was a lovely day and Connor got to climb a tree, one of his all time favourite things to do.

I have been busy as work, and still trying to get stock on, but am hoping we shall be open for business next week.

I bought some new photo software and OMG is is amazing, I took this photo for the 'Herspace,Myspace' SP Sunday, of course no make up on so I know it looks bad, then altered it with the new soft ware and OMG I think I look 10 years younger!!!!!!!!!!! Ok i know the second one is cropped but you can still see the difference.

BEFORE:

AFTER: