12 YEARS OLD

That is how old my eldest son Declan should of been today, and the only present I can buy him is as usual a display of flowers. Feeling very bitter at the moment, parents should not outlive their children.

Sorry to anyone who has clicked on here, it is just me venting my feelings at the moment, not after any sympathy so please don't think that. Writing stuff down helps me.

Today has been a strange day, Tye has been off work and Connor was off school sick, I went into work, not sure where the best place to be was, but I couldn't sit and stare at the walls, too many memories coming back to haunt me. Don't get me wrong I have some wonderful memories of Declan, he was such a strong character, and make us laugh, but not today, today should of been a day of celebration, presents, birthday cake with candles, having the dreaded friends round or dragging them all off to the cinema, anything but sitting here empty thinking of what should of been and what was cruelly taken away.

Memory is such a funny thing, sometimes I forget things and I often put strange things in the fridge, like a hairbrush or book, I just forget where I am going. 10th March is burned into my memory forever, I can remember every little detail.

It is so strange, just watching the world go by today, I don't actually feel a part of it, nor do I want to be a part of it at the moment. Anniversaries are a good time to let go, usually I hold my self so tight, all the grief is like a little box inside that you keep the lid on and when the lid slips it hurts like hell.

I lost my beloved Casey last November, he was my last link to Declan, he saved my life, literally, I had nothing to live for after losing Declan, or it felt that way, and Casey saved me, was always there.

There aren't many words this year just lots of unbearable pain, things going through my head, life's not fair, it shouldn't be this way etc, but life is like that for lots of people, you don't know what is happening in any one's life.

Today, I bumped into a mother and daughter who I see quite often and say hello to, both are lovely very friendly and sweet, but that is all I know about them, today I found out that the mother had lost one of her daughter's and her son, and of course the daughter a sister and brother you just don't know who else is suffering, what happens behind closed doors in other peoples lives.

One of my pet hates is 'I know how you feel', I would never dream of saying that to anyone, even someone that had been in a similar situation to me, everyone feels differently, everyone reacts differently and no one can know how someone else is feeling.

Happy 12th Birthday sweetheart xx