Sad

I thought I was coping ok, I am fascinated with time so keeping busy is always my motto, and I have been holding it together, keeping my mood swings under control, feeling really low but handling it as always, nothing else you can do.

I have just ordered flowers for Declan, the Florist that I used to use closed down, which I know its a minor thing but it was a big deal for me, it was like another part of my life slipping away, they had always sent flowers for me and walked them up to the graveyard, but today I took a deep breath and found another Florist, they were very nice, it doesn't help though when you can hear them crying when you read out what you want put on the card.

I hate that I can only send him flowers, but they are sent with all of my heart and each time I send them another piece of me dies, I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or after sympathy from anyone who does read this, writing down my emotions helps me, a lot of the time I can't talk to anyone about them, I did try to reach Tye who is my 'rock' and keeps me going, but he is unavailable, life is just so cruel and I know I always say this, but at this moment in time I have let go of my self control and my heart feels like its being smashed to pieces, I will pull myself together I always do, there isn't another option, but for the moment life has ended.

June

June is always a month of mixed emotions.

It has started off on a fabulous high, after a long wait Tye has finally got his promotion, to me this is long overdue and well deserved bless him.

It was a stress full couple of weeks leading up to the announcement but an amazing high when he found out. It was unfortunate that it fell on the same weekend that I had planned to go to Scrap-a-ganza, so we haven't really had a chance to celebrate this fully, although he did celebrate to the max with his friends lol, he is still being told some of the things they got up to on their night out lol but to give him his due he was back, albeit in body not mind by midnight on the Thursday as I had to leave at 1am on the Friday.

I didn't actually sleep on the Thursday, excitement for him at being promoted, excitement about going to Holland and worrying that he wouldn't make it back in time. When he did get back I thought I would catch an hours sleep, but no why is it that men can snore so loudly, I even stuffed toilet paper into my ears, but no I could still hear him through this, I gave up on the idea of sleep and got up and took Casey out.

Must send a big thank you to Anna's husband Connell who drove all the way there and all the way back, and even though there were a few mishaps with the map and traffic, and the 'Kennedy Tunnel' lol he did not lose his cool, Thank you Connell.

There were some admin problems to the weekend and the food wasn't exactly to my taste, but looking at the big picture I had a fabulous time, a weekend spent with some great friends and taking scrapping classes, what more could I ask for. I do not need to make a concerted effect to finish all the projects that I started.

This weekend coming is going to be tough, I am 40 (no that's not the tough part, I never actually think how old I am and usually cannot remember, mind you 40 is easier to remember and on a couple of examinations in the mirror, I think my face is starting to feel its age) We had to make the decision to turn our son's life support off on my birthday, and he died last thing on Father's Day and of course it is our Anniversary on 17Th, so all in all a very emotional weekend.

I also agreed to organize a BBQ for where I work, not sure whether I am being emotionally suicidal, or the fact that I wanted to work through so my brain did not have a chance to think, but we shall see.

The following weekend my brother gets married, I don't really have a lot to do with him any more, over the years we have both taken different paths, and turned into very different people, I must admit that I do not know him any more and have nothing in common with him. There is a lot of side taking and the family has been split and I do blame him and his partner for this. I am not looking forward to attending the wedding, don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish for anything to go wrong with the arrangements or the day, just not keen on being there, but I do get to see my parents and my wonderful friend Helen, who I wish I could spend more time with.

The week after that is Connor's 10th birthday, OMG my baby is 10, I know everyone says this but 'where have the years gone', he is growing up so fast, but assures me that he will never be too big for a cuddle, I will hold him to that one.

Then I have our summer all day crop, which is going to be very well attended, and we all usually have such great fun that I am looking forward to this one.