Happy Birthday Declan

Today my eldest would of been 15 years old.  Yesterday I ordered flowers, all I can do, I hate flowers its one of those things that people send during these times, and the thought behind them is lovely, but when you have memories of a coffin and hundreds of flowers it tends to take away your love for them.  Don't get me wrong I love seeing gardens full of flowers and anyone who has sent me flowers I really appreciate the thought, they just bring back painful memories.


I don't know what to do with myself today, life goes on, well to a degree it does, but on days like today, I still feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my body and will never be whole again.


I found this poem on the internet and thought it was so profound and beautiful.


Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker


So Happy 15th Birthday Declan, you are in our thoughts and hearts every day and always will be my gorgeous boy. 

Valentine's Day

I was teasing Tye about making me a card, but I didn't expect him to do it, but he spent two hours locked in my craft room yesterday making me one.  I had to show him how the Cricut worked, (I was quite scared for my baby) and where the stamps etc where and there was some bad language coming from the room, but this morning he presented me with this.

It is absolutely gorgeous and even more so because of the effort that was put into it.

I have made him a card too and had lots of fun with this one;

The image is 'heatless' by Mo Manning, the papers are very old Spendid by Fancy Pants and of course prima flowers, I am quite impressed with myself I stitched all of the ribbons and flowers together and wound old stalks round a pokey tool to make the extra embellishments.  One of the girls at my all day crop was making a Valentine's card and used the phrase 'you had me at hello' and it just seemed so perfect.  I even machine stictched round a few of the squares.  Love making easel cards, have seen a few at an angle so will try those next.

South Farm

Up early today, yes I know its a Sunday and no-one should have to get up early on a Sunday, and when the alarm went off at 7am I was definitely one of those people who didn't want to get up on a Sunday!!!!  Tye hates to be late and we always argue because we are never out of the house on time, but I had everything ready for both myself and Kai the night before and we were out of the door at 8.02am so not too bad, bless him he even made me a flask of tea for the journey.

We were off to look at a wedding venue I am shooting in August, to be fair we didn't realize just how far away this was until the night before when we both put the address into aa!!! and it came back 2.5 hours!!!!  So the short journey we thought we were going to have turned out to be much further.......

South Farm is a private house and working farm that doubles as a wedding venue, and even though it was bitterly cold today, it was beautiful, gorgeous old building and an outside Summer House and various other inside venues to hold a wedding.

There are five rooms including the bridal suite, and lounges to relax in and gardens, and waterfalls.  Although the lakes were frozen and the waterfalls turned off and a lot of the grounds covered in snow, this didn't hide from the potential photo opportunities.

They have gypsy caravans that the guests can stay in too, they are beautiful ornate authentic caravans, although not for me as there is no bathroom facilities.

The house is beautiful and has an old fashioned steam engine thing outside.

Tye so doesn't look the oldest in this photo.

Of course there was snow on the ground so there had to be snowball fights and Kai made a snow figure which looked a lot like Piglet, I was really impressed until he told me that he started off trying to make figures of Shaun and Nat !!!  LOL still impressed though bless him.

We had a look around and there is a room with a bathroom and small room with bunk beds which we will look to rent, as it will be so much easier to do the photo's if we are on site.  The bridal suite is spread over two floors and lovely, but of course the boys had to mess around.......

These are Tye's brothers just proving that I have no chance as it runs in the family.......

February already

Ok this year is flying past, and stressed isn't the word, we have soo much planned this year, Kai has already been in A&E due to an accident in school, he managed to fall off the stage at school or at least this is what we think happened as apparently no one saw it!!!  He came away from A&E with two badly sprained wrists, a concussion where he managed to knock himself unconscious, and cuts and bruises to his face and knee.  We then had a worried weekend wondering if his operation would go ahead on the Tuesday, luckily the anaesthetist decided to go ahead.

He was having four teeth removed one of which was impacted and growing vertically inside the gum, so not nice, and even now three days later he is still suffering bless him.  This is the second time he has been under general anaesthetic and I hate watching it, but bless him he did manage to count down to 1 and start again and remembered this when he came round.  Due to the wrists and the operation he missed taking part in his school dance show which he is gutted about, but hopefully he will be on the mend soon.

Back to this year, we have two weddings to attend, one of which I am photographing, and a 60th birthday party, and of course my plans for Tye's 40th which are very very secret and which I cannot reveal on here just in case he does read this lol.  These are causing me no end of problems, can honestly say I am not looking forward to any of these but we will see how they go, I hate parties at the best of times, not being a drinking and unable to dance or anything, would so rather be curled up with a good book and yes I already know I am antisocial lol.  One of the wedding will be very weird, there are three best men! yep never heard of that before, usually it is the best friend but this time it is the best friend and both brothers!! but again less said about that the better.

My dieting is coming along ok, I have still not eaten anything sweet other than low fat yogurt!! and am sticking to the 1200 calories per day, and plenty of water, the weight is going slowly, the inches seem to be coming off too so we will see, am determined to lose the weight and keep it off this time.

Have had my second All Day Crop of the year and had a great time, I really do love holding these, although on the Sunday I was worse than I have ever been before and really struggled on Monday too, will have to watch this, but they are definitely worth it.

Ok random photos;

Shadow having lost another collar!!

Recently bought a new cat flap, we were having a problem with other cats coming into the house and beating our cats up and pinching the food.  We couldn't buy a lock one where you put magnets on the collars as all of ours seem to lose a collar every other week, I really wouldn't like to add up how much I have paid out in collars over the last few years and at this point am thinking its probably a good job my husband never reads my blog!!!!  Anyway I digress as usual.  I was surfing the net (yes nothing unusual there and usually takes up a good part of my day) and came across, the Pet Porte, a fantastic idea, it actually scans the micro chip in your cats and only allows them in.  The difficult thing is to scan your cat in and yes this is similar to scanning food at a supermarket self checkout and NO the cat is not obliging in any way shape or form with this, I had the blood and scratches to prove it.  Luckily you only need to scan them once and that is it.  The one draw back is that the cat flap has to be plugged in, although it does have battery back up in case of power failure, and it does seal all the way round so no draughts.  It has been working really well and stood up to a battering from the local bully cat who couldn't get in. It does other weird wonderful things, as in it has a night setting and beeps when the cats come in but I really need to read the instruction manual again.

I am still reading Nora Roberts at the moment as I have read all of J D Robb's book, and am now waiting for her to write another one, very inconsiderate of her to only have written 32 of them!!  

I am really into my photography books at the moment and have discovered books by Matt Kloskowski and    Scott Kelby, who both write books on Photoshop, Lightroom and general photography and both write these with a sense of humour so that all the technical side is not too boring or hard going.

Have bought all of these on Kindle at Amazon, think I need about three weeks off to go through them though.

Another think I have discovered recently thanks to Angela is Pinterest and OMG am I hooked!!!  There are some fabulous things on this site, and you can have your own Pin Boards and collect them, am loving it but again there is just not enough time in the day!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO 2012 ..........

Ok so I'm a bit late that's nothing unusual and time keeping and time management isn't usually one of my strong points as my dear husband always points out to me.  Probably why I have always been fascinated with clocks and time.

Anyway before I bore everyone, its 2012 and we had a lovely Christmas and New Year, very quiet but nice, we all received some gorgeous presents, had a lovely Christmas dinner and just sat and watched films, although as Kai received a load of PS3 games he did retire to his room for pretty much most of the day lol.

New Year is always a bone of contention in our house, Tye used to go out and celebrate it, and of course I hate large gatherings and crowds so I am more of a stay in the house type, mind you these days (yes I know that makes me sound ancient) it is too expensive to go anywhere, I did look into going for a meal with entertainment, but that was £80 a head!!!!  We were invited to a Street Party, but at the moment we don't get to pick where we live or the people we live near so a Party with lots of people that I don't know or only know to say a few words too wasn't my idea of fun, Tye was going to go but when it got to that time non of use could be bothered, we all stayed and watched the fireworks in London on the TV.

We have all made New Years Resolutions, the boys have decided that they will have a 'six pack' by the end of the year.  Tye has given up chips and crisps for the year, something he has done previously so he does know what he is getting himself into.  This is my 'non chocolate' year and I have also given up chips and crisps in support of Tye.  I need to lose 3stone, I was 3 stone lighter at the beginning of 2011 and am really depressed that I have put this back on so one of my goals is to lose it.  I also need to keep it off once I have lost it!!!  Now that will be harder, as I love my food, if it doesn't move it is in serious jeopardy of being eaten and if it has sugar in it, it stands no chance.  I also need to be more assertive and learn to say 'NO' and yes I know I have been told this over and over again by friends but I am going to make a concerted effort this year, I did make Tye laugh and tell him I didn't want to be nice anymore, he says that is something I can't do!!!!  hmmm we will see I am sure if someone takes chocolate away from me I can be nasty lol.

Found a new app which is helping this called myfitnesspal, I didn't realize that 1200  calories was sooo little food!!!!

So we are on the 15th January that is 15 days without chocolate, actually its 11 days without anything sweet, I have lost 4lbs so far but weigh in is tomorrow so I will see if I have lost anymore, I need to try to incorporate some exercise into it now, but my days just seem to escape me.

The first all day Crop of the year has come and gone and I did actually do something, I finished a card and altered a box so that my birthday cards could go into it and I did a Layout, so very impressed with myself.

I am making a first Birthday Card for Kai's God Son Joel at the moment, I am scrap lifting a card on Debby's blog, (you need to check out her blog, her cards are amazing) and am quite pleased with it, need to get my skates on as his Birthday is on 18th January!!!

I recently bought LightRoom 3 and love it, I am still of course learning it but it is fabulous.

Its been a great start to 2012 in keeping in touch with family ie Brett, Claire and Gabby, we managed to meet up with Brett and Claire two weekend and one of them turned out to be a weekend with Gabby, its so nice to catch up, hopefully we will see a lot more of them this year.

We met up at the cottage they had hired and went for a lovely wander across the moore's, lovely was sarcastic as it was flippin freezing and very windy but we did get to see some of the ponies.

GOOD BYE 2011

This year has flown by, literally and I know I say that a lot, but it seems to have gone in a blink.

This year has been full of ups and downs, January brought the birth of Joel to my bff/sister Helen, a long awaited baby and I was one of her birthing partners and there for the birth, OMG what an experience, and Joel of course will be 1 year old next month, sometimes miracles happen.

Managed to get home to the North a few times this year, more than last year.  Kai was asked to Dance at the interval at the Reading Rockets Basket Ball Team, very proud of him.

In May I went away to Scrapmania with a great group of women, I am so lucky to know so many lovely people and to share a hobby with them.

In May another Dance programme for Kai.

My boy became a teenager in June, I cannot believe he is 13 already.

August brought the wedding of Brett, a dear friend and part of our family, this photo is a re-enactment of one taken at mine and Tye's wedding.

We discovered the British Wildlife Centre and have now been back five times and look forward to more visits next year.  We finally got to see a fox IRL and up close and personal.

 Tye got to fly a plane, one off the bucket list and one I didn't fancy doing lol

Tye went on a football tour as 'photographer' and got to spend 4th July in Boston USA

We had a lovely holiday to Majorca, never been before.

Finally persuaded Tye into a fish pedicure, he wasn't too amused.

Kai was asked to be Joel's God Father, it was an offer he couldn't refuse lol

September meant that Kai went up to Year 9, OMG how old are we.

In September we lost my girl, my beautiful Callaway

We went a bit mad with the pumpkins this year 

Decided to make Christmas cards and started about October time lol

Kai had his hair streaked as his winter roots were coming through darker, he wasn't too impressed at having to sit for 2 hours, not sure if this process will be repeated lol

I had been slowly trying to go back to my natural hair colour, not 100% sure what it is but this is a lot darker than the blonde I have been for the last 8 years lol

Entered the British Wildlife Centre Photo comp not sure if I will come anywhere as the competition was very stiff but we shall see.

Tye graduated and passed his Diploma in Teaching, very proud day when he went to collect his diploma, he also passed his GCSE in Maths and sat his GSCE in English this year, he sits his GSCE in IT, double science, and Geography in June 2012, Proud doesn't cover it.

Kai set himself a New Years resolution this year of being able to do a back sumersault by the end of the Year and he did it, very proud of him, but very scared of all the free running he is doing.

As I said a very up and down year, have put back on the 3 stonnes that I last last year so I am determined to lose it again this year and to keep it off, New Years resolutions are of course no Chocolate for the whole year, to be more assertive and learn how to say NO, to lose the weight and keep it off and to manage my time better so I can fit in the house/chores, family and me.

Humbled

Yesterday as part of my job I went to a military training ground to see how the lads trained before going to Afghanistan, it is set out to mimic what they will expect when they get there, so shared minimal space accommodation, having to heat their own water manually so they can wash etc.  I also sat in on the briefing that they were given, this included telling them to remember to phone home when they could etc, but also went into the sobering side of making wills and having insurance in place in case they came back with limbs missing or died.  Quite of few of these soldier are just out of training and going into a combat zone for the first time, they just looked so young, I had seen quite a few of them previously when I have given presentations and it was an awful thought looking at the room full of eager faces that maybe not all of them would be coming back. A very humbling day for me, knowing that whilst I will be enjoying my Christmas with my family, these men/boys will be out in a combat zone.